NighteLight

Okay, so just yesterday, er, two days ago, I arrived in Detroit, Michigan, and just yesterday I moved into my dorm room/studio apartment and met my roommates for the first time.  So if any of you have been wondering why I haven't been on that much for a long while now, it's because of the move.  I am still getting adjusted, I'm actually staying in a hotel room with my mom for tonight because I need to get applied for food assistance and hopefully get a smartphone (for the first time ever!!!) so I can keep connected with my friends better and have a camera so I can take reference photos.

Driving through Detroit was so confusing, we got lost constantly, there's so many one way roads and to turn around you have to take another street and the U-turns are just so confusing.  What takes an average Detrioter 20 min to get somewhere, it took us 1hr, that's how confusing as it is to us.

I'm not sure if I would say I'm excited, if anything I'm completely terrified.  I feel like I'm completely alone.  My roommates were completely silent and absorbed into their smartphones the entire time, even when I tried to initiate conversation they stayed quiet.  But I'll try not to judge, it is only the first day.  And talking to the residents of Detroit, I heard the campus area I'm on is the safest place in Downtown Detroit, we have our own police force.  The only problem is that once you're off campus, you have to watch your back.  I've been freaking out all day today, and yesterday, I am not used to the city life at all, and it's just too much for me to absorb.  I really need a close friend with me right now to help support me.

Okay so this is a meme thingy I stole off of Sapphira-Adi  And also to my watchers I haven't answered yet on my last journal, or on anything else I probably forgot about, I will reply it's just I've gotten super shy all of a sudden especially since there were so many long and thought out replies O///O I didn't expect it at all, and I'm very thankful to hear from so many of you.   I just want to say thank you very much for your support, and I'll try to catch up on all my messages!  Special shout out to Namiiru I'm sorry I never commented in the journal you wrote how you're having a tough time right now, and I guess I felt sort of guilty that you took the time to cheer me up on my problems, it takes a very special person to do that kind of thing.  I understand you must feel that everything is overwhelming right now, but you can get through this, I believe in you.  I understand that messages must pile up like crazy especially with your amazing art skills, but take it a message at a time.  Every message you answer is another victory for you.  And I apologize if I embarrassed you for bringing this up in a journal.  ....AND TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T WATCH HER, YOU SHOULD BECAUSE SHE IS AN AMAZING ARTIST!!!  I am totally not threatening you guys.

HERE'S THE MEME:

1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?
Sure...

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Never been in a relationship to begin with.

4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
Probably my cat.

5) Do you regret it?
Nope, though she does act like a spoiled brat at times.

6) Have you ever been depressed?
Yep.

7) Are you a boy?
I have the personality of one... sort of.

8) Are you a girl?
Yeah.

9) What is your relationship status?
Single and not interested in a relationship, I'm more concerned with my studies.

10) How do you want to die?
I have no idea, probably of old age.

11) What did you last eat?
Sushi and rice.  It was sushi Wednesday at Heinen's and it was really cheap and really good!  Though I'm not a fan of raw Salmon, it tasted kinda bland, I guess it depends where you get the sushi from.

12) Played any sports?
Well, I didn't play any school sports, if I do sports they're outside of school.  I've been skiing ever since I was 2 and a half years old, it's like walking to me, but I haven't skiied for a couple years now, but I plan on getting back into it soon.
I also went shooting a week a go and it was really fun,I really liked the '22' rifle and this revolver pistol I forgot the name of.  Oh, I also shot off explosives with an SkS rifle that was fun, but the rifle had a bit of a kick back.  I DO NOT like the semi-automatic pistol, it hurt my hand and fingers when I shot it.  I also seem to have really good aim as I was able to stay on target and get multiple bulls-eyes even though it was my first time shooting a real gun.
I also really like archery, even though I only tried it a few time.
And I'm good at golf!
Pfff I'm good at sports that require accuracy and precision.

13) Do you bite your nails ?
Yeah... it's a nervous habit and I know it's really gross, but it's a hard habit to break out of.

14) When was your last physical fight?
Around 2 weeks ago, I checked out a training session with a group called Dagorhir. Pretty much it's a sport where you wear a Medieval garb and use foam weapon and shields to fight against different factions (look it up, you can find it on Google).  Omg I was completely slaughtered, the only thing that was preventing me from being completely covered in bruises was my shield (I'm glad I chose the shield and sword) I only 'killed' about 2 people (I don't actually kill them by the way for those of you who take things literally idk who) and I was killed over 15+ times.  I got hit in the back hard at least 3 times and I got a spear to the gut once that completely knocked the breath out of me.  It was my first training session so I guess it's to be expected, but I don't think it's for me.  I'm not a very violent person (yes, this is coming from the same person who enjoys shooting guns), but the main reason is because I have carpal tunnel in both of my wrists and the weapons were just too heavy for me to carry without my wrists being in pain the whole time.  I'm an artist, I'm going to art school, I need my hands, I can't risk having them injured.

I did learn a lot about fighting though.  If you want a way to take your stress out, but instead using actual people (don't worry the weapons are foam and if the person isn't wearing proper protection... well that's their fault) this is the sport for you!

15) Do you have an attitude?
Depends on who I'm interacting with, I tend to have an attitude towards my family more so than my friends, but if a friend does anger me I tend to give the cold sort of attitude not many have gotten me this angry though, it takes a lot to make me mad.

16) Do you like someone?
Yeah, my friends.  And I did I like a certain someone, but my emotions are muddled at the moment, I don't want to talk about it.

17) What is your real name?
GOD, I'm kidding. I'm not ready to reveal that yet, but I will give my initials: Nel

19) Are you gonna get high later?
I don't do stupid crap like that, I have better things to do with my life.

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
Hate is a strong word, but there are quite a few people in my life who caused me much pain and grief and completely destroyed my trust in them.

21) Do you miss someone?
Sapphira-Adi ;^; and my dog, Angel.

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl.

23) Do you tan a lot?
I don't tan, I burn.  It's impossible for me to get a tan.  There was only once in my life where my skin was darker than what it is now and that required a severe sunburn, a little bit of sun-poisoning, and a lot of pain, and my reward... my skin is slightly darker.  And I was wearing sunscreen too regularly applying it....  So yeah, 'tanning' is just not worth it for me.

24) Have any pets?
Yes, my black cat, Clover, and my Goldendoodle, Angel.  They're both just the sweetest pets in the world.

25) How exactly are you feeling?
Uneasy, I can't pinpoint my exact emotion right now.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Yeah, but I can't drive, not yet anyway.

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
... No.

28) Would you take any of your exes back?
I've never had a boyfriend before.  But for future reference, if I'm to break up with someone I probably did it for a good reason, why repeat the past/future??

29) Are you scared of spiders?
I wouldn't say I'm completely scared of them, if it came down to it I could kill one myself without help, but I don't like it when they're in my room or touching me.

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Maybe, but that depends.  Is there a catch?  And also I wouldn't change anything even if given the chance.

31) Do you regret anything from your past?
A few things, but the past is the past.

32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Relax, but I kinda want to go to the Medieval Fair since I haven't been there since I was a child. ;_; I wanna go with Sapphy, but I'm worried about spending money, I only have $7 in my wallet.  And buying drinks and food is so expensive at fairs...

33) Do you want to have kids?
Not really... I'm not comfortable around children, I have panic attacks when one even looks at me.

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?
No.  I've never kissed anyone in my life.

35) Do you type fast?
Sort of, but it leans towards the average speed of typing, I can't type nearly as fast as my best friend.

36) Do you have piercings?
No.

37) Want any more?
No, I don't like needles and I hear getting piercings is painful.  I don't care for 'gaining beauty for pain' if it hurts I'm not doing it, simple as that.

38) Can you spell well?
Yes, I can spell quite well in fact.  I'm the complete opposite of my brother.

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yeah... 

40) What are you craving right now?
A drink of some sort, something to get rid of this acid reflex I've been getting for the past few weeks now.

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes, all of them were held at my house so far.

43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes, when I was little I had two horseback riding lessons on a Halflinger and a Quarter Horse, I wish the lessons could have continued, but dad being the cheap man he is only allowed two lessons only to show off to the courts about what a 'great father' he was.

45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yeah...  

46) Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope, never been in a relationship for it to happen.

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
There is such a thing as not having to marry your roommate.  But in my opinion a couple should not get married unless they've already been living together and can tolerate each other, if they can't, then they shouldn't get married.

50) What should you be doing?
Going to bed because I have to get up early for a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

51) What's irritating you right now
Acidic reflex in my throat ;^; it always happens at night...

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yeah...

54) What is your favorite colour?
Green, I can't choose what type of green there's just too many green sub-colors that I love...

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes, when I was little at the beach or a waterpark.

57) Do you have trust issues?
Yes, very much so.  Once someone breaks my trust, even once, it's very hard for me to forgive them (it can take months, sometimes years, or until I forget).

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
I don't have an ex.

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My cat, I only cry when I'm in my room or in the house when I'm home alone or outside taking a walk.

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Mostly depends on the person, if it was small yes, if it was a big mistake, I could say that I'll give them a second chance when in my mind I don't forgive them at all.

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forget.  Your best chance with me forgiving you is if I forget about your crime (which isn't that hard since I have bad memory, unless it's a major crime against me then that's burned into my head.)  lol I can't tell you how many times I've completely forgotten about an incident between a friend and I, and then that friend stupidly brings it up to apologize then I'm like, "...Oh yeahhhhh... no, I don't forgive you."

66) Is this year the best year of your life?
NO WAY IN HELL, I'm one step away from starving!

67) What was your child hood nickname?
.... "Boo-boo Girl"  my brother named me that when I was a baby because I cried a lot... I really hate that nickname it's a hundred times worse than Night Light

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I haven't walked outside naked, but I had to strip naked outside because I got stuck in a quicksand pit up to my chest and my mom had to hose me down before I could even go inside the house.... it was so embarrassing...

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Possibly

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
I finished watching episode 11 of Once Upon a Time's 1st season, omg how have I not watched this tv series before??? It's so good!

73) What is bothering you?
Too many things to write down.  I'm mostly worried about being prepared for college.

74) Have you ever been out of your state?
Yeah.

75) Do you play the Wii?
Don't have one, so no.  But I do have an XBOX 360, I've been playing on the XBOX ever since I was 5 years old.

76) Are you listening to music right now?
Not at the moment, I have a bit of a headache right now.

77) Do you like Chinese food?
Sure, but I prefer Japanese food.

78) Do you know your fathers b- day?
Unfortunately yes, on January 7th, I also know the year he was born.  Same goes for my mother and brother.  Though no one else except for my mom seems to remember my birthday, my dad has to write it down. -_-

79) Are you afraid of the dark?
Depends where I'm at and if I feel safe.

80) Is cheating ever okay?
No, if you're unhappy with your relationship you shouldn't continue with it or find a way to fix it and cheating will only make it worse.

81) Are you mean?
I don't know.  A lot of my friends say I'm cute, but other people who aren't close to me say that I'm intimidating.  Huh, cute and intimidating, how does that work?

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
Well, if they're my outdoor pair, nope.  I have indoor shoes (well, more like clogs) and outdoor shoes.

84) Do you believe in true love?
I suppose it exists, but it's extremely rare to come by.

88) Do you like the outside?
Yes, I love to hike I always wear lots of bug-spray because the mosquitoes absolutely love me... -_-

89) Are you currently bored?
More like tired, how long is this quiz?

90) Do you wanna get married?
Why is this quiz so interested in my love life? Not that it exists.
No I don't want to get married, but if I meet the right one then maybe.

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Only online, if someone called me that in real life I'd be kind weirded out.

92) Are you hungry?
I'm always hungry, I have a high metabolism, but I have acidic reflex right now so food isn't as appetizing... 

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?
Omg will you STOP with these questions!!!  I already said I've never kissed anyone before!

94) What makes you happy?
My friends, when people comment on my art and journals, when people vote on my polls, when people are nice to me, listening to music, eating sweets, playing videogames, coloring, coming up with character designs, writing, snuggling with my kitty, playing with my doggy, eating sweets, when people make me laugh, etc.

95) Would you change your name?
Yes.

96) Ever been to Alaska?
No, but I wish, it's so beautiful up there I hear and I don't mind the cold.

98) Do you watch the news?
Sometimes, every now and then.  Then news is so depressing...

99) What's your zodiac sign?
Chinese: Ox
European: Gemini

100) Do you like Subway?
It's okay.

101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
...No?  (I'm so done with the love questions)

102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
OMG CAN I EVER HAVE A GUY FRIEND WHO DOESN'TLIKE ME???  I CAN STAND THIS ANYMORE!!!!

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
Yes, the yandere/stalker that followed my every footstep for 2 years and still haunts me to this day...

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
No.

107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
My bro.

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
If they smoke I wouldn't be dating them in the first place. I can't stand second hand smoke it hurts my longs, not to mention my dad always smoked in the house and car with the windows closed when I was little, which caused me to have a complete hatred for cigarettes, cigars, anything related to tobacco same goes for alcohol and drugs of any sort (though I can tolerate if someone has a glass of wine or can of beer every now and then AS LONG AS THEY DON'T GET DRUNK).  I tend to not like people so much when they do drugs then if they weren't doing any. Sure that may seem judgmental, but that's just who I am.

109) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Sapphira-Adi

110) Favourite lyrics right now?
I made myself at home
In the cobwebs and the lies
I’m learning all your tricks
I can hurt you from inside
I made myself a promise
You would never see me cry
Til I make you
--- "The Devil Within" by Digital Daggers
God, I love that song!

111) Can you count to one million?
Probably.  I can also count to 100 in French.


Wowie!!!  That took forever to answer! Well, I hope you guys had fun learning a bit more about me and I hope you have a nice night/day.  And now I'm FINALLY GOING TO BED!! GAHHHH ACID REFLEX WHY YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEE?????

And I don't feel like tagging anyone, if you feel like trying it out go ahead.

Recently I was thinking about either changing my user name and cleaning out my entire profile or making an entirely new profile and abandoning this one (I won't do so till the Premium Membership expires).  Idk I feel like no one ever looks at my journals or polls, very few people even acknowledge me.  I also feel like people are watching me because of my school projects, which most of them weren't really things I was interested in or will ever be drawing again.  

I want to make this clear, I am not a fan of still life drawings.  Yes, I may draw them pretty, but I did not enjoy doing so whatsoever.  I prefer doing anime/manga type drawings or illustrative drawings.  I have a broad range of things I am interested in, but I feel like people are only interested in a certain art style of mine and because of this I feel like I have to draw in that style to please others.

 This is the example of a drawing that everyone always seems to love, but tend to ignore everything else in my profile that I actually put my heart into.  None of you know this, but I was forced to draw this for art class.  I had no choice whatsoever in what to draw for this project.  And I will say this, I have no interest in drawing bowls of fruits.  I mean seriously, who would want to buy this?  We see drawings and paintings of bowls of fruits everywhere, it's not at all unique.

I might not even have internet soon.  My mother mentioned that we may not be able to afford paying for it anymore, our financial situation seems to be heading nowhere except down.  I am not sure if it's ever going to get better, especially with college quickly approaching.    Everything has felt like a constant struggle and it doesn't help with my anxiety disorder, I feel like I can't do anything on my own without someone else there to hold my hand and help me through it.  And yet again I find no one there standing by my side.  I know I'm technically an adult now and I'm supposed to learn how to do things on my own.  But due to my very broken past, I will not go into detail about, I never had the chance to watch how these things are done.  Before I lived with my mother, I pretty much raised myself as I couldn't rely on anyone else, but due to that no one ever taught me how to survive out in the world.   I can't help but feel like a puppy with no knowledge of how to survive in the world waiting for the kick to be sent off to college alone.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, it's just suddenly existing feels like too much for me.  (No I'm not thinking of suicide.)  It's just really hard because I feel like no one really supports me as a person or my art.  And the friends that do support me I can never see because of my poverty    and because of that I feel that I am alone on my journey as an artist, if I can ever become one.  I've been looking at my art and I've been wondering if I really am good enough to be in one of the top design schools in the country.  There's another kid in my class who's going to the same school as me and he's a million times better than me.  I mean he's been in all sorts of art shows (first place) and even won scholarships and money!  The most I've achieved is winning a few ribbons in some art shows.  He's also going to be going into the same major as me and I can't help but wonder if I'm cut out to be an artist.

I don't know when I'm going to do so, but I am going to clear out my gallery of everything that is not part of my major/interest.  If you are one of my watchers who watched me because of my still life's then I apologize because I will not be uploading anymore.  Please I'd rather someone watch me for my manga and illustrative style art, and I shall apologize once more.  If any of you are reading this, as I know very well rarely any of my watchers actually look at my journals, please comment.  Any comments are welcome, I treasure them the most.  It lets me know that I'm not alone.

Sorry for being negative and selfish, I know you guys would probably rather not read about my feelings and would rather see my art.